


The Teenage Zombie Puppets Were Less Evil

by KeriArentikai



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Awkwardness, Crack, Embarrassment, First Kiss, I really have no idea, M/M, truth spell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 02:58:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/681936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeriArentikai/pseuds/KeriArentikai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I do it a lot, actually.  Picturing you on top of me, inside me -“  In desperation, Stiles clamped both of his hands over his mouth, since he didn’t seem to have any control otherwise. </p>
<p>Derek had started backing off towards the window, as if he was afraid Stiles was going to pounce. Stiles was still in control of his body, though, so Derek had nothing to fear on that count, but his hands over his mouth couldn’t really cover his next words:</p>
<p>“For future reference, do you like to top or bottom?”</p>
<p>“Uh… this can wait till tomorrow,” Derek said, as he jumped out the window.</p>
<p>“I’ll still be thinking about you fucking me tomorrow,” Stiles called out after him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how this happened. My deepest apologies.

He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Yeah, they’d gotten the witch to stop turning girls from the high school into automatons to do her bidding. But Stiles had seen that gleam in her eye as she agreed to leave and knew nothing good could come of it. Sure, he had been the one to unmask and accuse her, but shouldn’t Derek have been the target of her anger? 

But no. No, the universe always had to pick on Stiles.

It had been a really long day. A really long week, actually. As soon as the witch left, he was in his Jeep, headed home before his father could notice he was missing.

He showered and lay down in bed, but was frustrated to find he couldn’t quite fall asleep. Well, there was always a good solution for that. He slid off his boxers, pumped a bit of lotion into his palm and started moving his hand slowly up and down his growing erection. He didn’t want to get himself too worked up, he just wanted to take the edge off and relax, so he tried keep his mind clear. Of course, that never worked. The more he told himself not to picture Derek when he jerked off, the more he couldn’t get Derek out of his mind. It had started off after a sex dream - he was totally not to blame for his subconscious - and ever since then he’d noticed things about Derek. And not just his super hotness, no, his devotion to his pack and his bravery and his pathetic determination to do what he thought was right even when he was totally wrong. 

So there he was, remembering how Derek had looked the last time Stiles had walked in on him doing shirtless push-ups and wondering how that back would look, muscles working and covered with a sheen of sweat from less wholesome activities, when there was a knock at his window and it started opening.

He scrambled to cover himself with his sheets and blanket, praying as Derek’s head moved into sight that Derek wouldn’t be able to smell what was going on. Derek look tired; he was still wearing the clothes that had been torn up by the sharp nails of many teenage girls. 

“Stiles, I need you to help me figure out how to ward the high school so that -” But before Derek could finish his sentence, Stiles cut him off.

“I was just jerking off. Thinking about you.”

Holy fucking shit he had not meant to say that. Like, really really had not wanted to say that out loud. What the fuck was that.

Derek looked no less surprised and horrified. The bags under his eyes were no longer visible, given how wide his eyes had gone. 

“I… uh…” But before he could stammer out some kind of response, Stiles opened his mouth again.

“I do it a lot, actually. Picturing you on top of me, inside me -“ In desperation, Stiles clamped both of his hands over his mouth, since he didn’t seem to have any control otherwise. 

Derek had started backing off towards the window, as if he was afraid Stiles was going to pounce. Stiles was still in control of his body, though, so Derek had nothing to fear on that count, but his hands over his mouth couldn’t really cover his next words:

“For future reference, do you like to top or bottom?”

“Uh… this can wait till tomorrow,” Derek said, as he jumped out the window.

“I’ll still be thinking about you fucking me tomorrow,” Stiles called out after him.

He lay back down in bed trying to come up with vivid enough adjectives for how he was feeling. Embarrassed wasn’t enough - mortified was closer, but still lacked the intensity he was feeling. He also tried to tell himself that any sane person would have reacted the way Derek did and that it wasn’t a sign that Derek was particularly repulsed by him.

He texted Scott that something was seriously wrong and wrote a note to leave on the kitchen table for his father that he was really sick and had lost his voice, so could he please call in to school that Stiles was sick.

The adrenaline newly rushing through his system didn’t help with falling asleep, but when he tried to jerk off again, he just kept replaying the scene with Derek and he couldn’t keep it up. He tossed and turned all night.


	2. Chapter 2

Stiles managed to entertain himself by pretending to be asleep when his dad checked in on him and researching what the hell was going on online until Scott came by after school.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Scott asked.

“I’m not completely sure, but I think I’ve been hit with some kind of truth spell. The only things I could say to Derek last night were super fucking embarrassing.”

Scott considered him for a moment.

“So why aren’t you saying anything super embarrassing now?”

“It’s not like I usually keep much from you. I mean, I tell you how many times per day I jerk off. I guess I haven’t told you I think your mom is hot, but that’s about it.”

“Ew, Stiles!”

“Whatever, I told Derek I got off thinking about him. You’re not the victim here.”

“Wow, that is really embarrassing. Like, really really embarrassing.”

“Thanks. Dick.” Stiles threw himself on his bed and hid his head in his pillows. “So what do I do now? I can’t find anything online about how to reverse something like this. Derek seemed to know a fair bit about the witch last night, but I really don’t think I can talk to him again without getting even more graphic.”

Scott looked like he was about to reply, when his head swung towards the door of Stiles’ room and he looked alarmed. 

“I think your dad just let someone in the house. One of the wolves. Maybe… Erica?”

“Shit shit shit. Okay, I’m going to try not to talk, you get my dad out of here as quickly as possible - if he figures out I was lying about losing my voice and I talk around him, I’ll sure I’ll tell him all about werewolves.”

So within a couple of minutes, Scott was telling his dad all about the last lacrosse practice and Stiles was trapped in his room with Erica.

“What is going on with you? Derek came back last night smelling really, really weird.” Erica accused.

“I wasn’t avoiding looking at your boobs that time you hit me with the car part.”

“What?” Erica asked, shocked.

“I mean, sure, they’re very nice boobs, but I don’t think I’m as much a fan of boobs as I used to be.”

“Uh… okay?”

“But you said ‘long’ and ‘hard’ all suggestively and I started thinking about penises.” All Stiles wants out of life is to shut up. He swears that, if this ever ends, he will spend hours and hours in silence every day. He will be like a Buddhist monk and be totally quiet all the time.

“Are you… having some sort of gay crisis? Is that why you’re hiding out?” To her credit, Erica looked like she was trying to be understanding. Like she was ready to be his friend through this trying gay time in his life.

“No, I think the witch put a spell on me so I just keep saying whatever’s in my mind. Last night, I told Derek I was thinking about him when I jerked off.”

Erica didn’t look shocked. Instead, she looked like things kind of made sense for the first time in a while.

“By the way, what’s up with you, Boyd and Isaac? Are all three of you fucking?” Stiles tried to belatedly cover his mouth, but it came out anyway. All of the goodwill was instantly erased from Erica’s face.

“So who’s pitching and who’s catching? Or are you pegging them both?”

“I thought you couldn’t possibly get more inappropriate than you usually are, but obviously you can,” Erica snapped.

“I can,” said Stiles miserably. “Please make it stop.”

“There’s not much I can do. I think you really need Derek for this,” Erica said, wickedly, like she was going to enjoy his pain. 

“I really need Derek for a lot of things. Orgasm-related things.” Stiles tried to hide under his covers again, but it clearly wasn’t working. “Also, I want him to take me out on dates.” And, oh god, that’s even worse.

Erica laughed long and hard before she left.


	3. Chapter 3

Erica left, the Sheriff was off to pick up dinner and Scott was looking at Stiles sympathetically

“She’s going to tell him! She’s going to tell him what I said and then I’m going to have to die.”

“Dude, you already told him you think about him fucking you. You’re worried about him finding out you want to see a movie with him?”

“Yes! Wanting to date him is the most embarrassing. I’m sure everyone thinks about fucking him.”

Scott shot him a strange look. “Uh, no. Are you sure you’re not under some sort of love spell or, I don’t know, a delusional spell or something?”

“I’m sure. It’s not like I haven’t been thinking these things pretty much since we met him.”

“That’s… I’m not gonna touch that. Okay, so what do we do?” Scott asked.

“We could talk to Deaton but I’m pretty sure Derek could help - he was totally on top of how to reverse the witch’s creepy puppet-string spell last night.”

“So we’ll go over to Derek’s…”

“No! I can’t go over to Derek’s! I can’t talk to him!”

Scott tensed and turned his head again, then looked at Stiles with pity in his eyes. 

“Sorry, looks like you’re not going to get a choice. Erica’s back and she’s dragging Derek with her.”

“WHAT?” Stiles flew up off his bed and planted himself against his bedroom door, as if holding it shut could prevent Derek and Erica from entering.

“You know that’s not going to work,” Scott pointed out.

“Shit shit shit. Oh! We need to find a gag!”

“A gag?” Scott looked skeptical. “Do you own a gag?”

“No, although I almost ordered one online last week. We need to improvise… a sock? Duct tape?” Stiles rushed madly around the room, tossing his drawers in his attempt to find something that would work. 

“Maybe you should just talk to Derek and figure this out. I mean, you can’t say much worse than you’ve already said, can you?”

Stiles glared. “It’s like you don’t know me at all.”

Before they could do anything else, the door of his bedroom opened and Erica and Derek walked in, Derek looking incredibly uncomfortable and Erica grinning like the wolf she was.

“Please, please just go away,” Stiles moaned.

“Erica said you wanted to apologize?” Derek mumbled.

“Erica is an evil bitch. So evil that I’m almost attracted to her.” Erica looked gratified rather than offended and Derek looked confused.

“So you’re not apologizing?”

“I can apologize, if you want. I’m really sorry I made you uncomfortable last night.” This is going okay, Stiles thought. I’m not a complete perv! “I would have been much happier if you had responded to me by joining in rather than running away.”

“Joining in?” Derek echoed, helplessly.

“Yeah. I can never really get a good angle with my own fingers and it actually made me pretty sad you were so grossed out by the idea of putting your dick in me. I wasn’t even talking about anything kinky, like bondage or you calling me your little slut.” Yeah, Stiles was a complete perv. A complete perv with sensitive feelings, and now Derek (and Erica, and Scott) knew both of those things. If nothing else, Stiles had conclusively proven it was impossible to die from mortification, because if this didn’t do it, nothing would.

“Wow. Maybe we should try to find a way to gag you,” Scott said, sounding legitimately impressed by the extent of Stiles’ misery.

“I can think of a way Derek could gag me.” Stiles almost started to cry.

Derek was pale and his eyes were darting toward the exit while Erica was clearly enjoying the show. Scott took pity on Stiles and ushered them out of the house. 

When he came back, Scott told him that he had spoken to Derek about how to break the spell.

“There are usually three ways to break spells - you can get the witch to reverse it, you can break it with a spell by a more powerful witch or you can fulfill the purpose of the spell.”

“Well, one and two are clearly out of the question,” Stiles mused. “What the heck is the purpose of this spell? To make me hate my life? ‘Cause it’s already done that.”

“Maybe to get you to stop hiding things you’ve been hiding?”

“What else can I possibly reveal that I haven’t already?” Stiles whined.

“Well, you didn’t exactly tell Derek that you actually like him. Also, you haven’t told your dad about werewolves.”

Stiles banged his head against the wall a few times.


	4. Chapter 4

Stiles really couldn’t imagine much worse than telling his father about his Derek fantasies, so he decided that Scott and Ms. McCall would talk to his dad first, and he’d swoop in at the end for the final confirmation, hopefully breaking the spell.

When he made it downstairs, his father was a few drinks in and Ms. McCall was patting his hand in a comforting fashion. Stiles didn’t say anything unusually inappropriate about Derek to his dad, but after six hours of talking, he was grounded for the forseeable future. Stiles counted it a draw.

After he finally made it back up to his room, Scott asked if he thought the spell was broken.

“I don’t think about Derek at all,” Stiles said, then paused. “Yup! Looks like that did it. Thank god. If I had to talk to Derek again…” He shuddered. “I’m already pretty sure I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again.”

It was not long after Scott left, when Stiles was already in bed (although not masturbating - he’s wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to jerk off again without getting horrifying, boner-killing flashbacks), that Derek stepped through his window.

“So, uh, did you manage to break the truth spell?” Derek asked.

“Yeah,” Stiles replied, half-asleep. But not so asleep that he didn’t notice Derek’s face fall a little.

“You came here to talk to me thinking I was still under a spell? That’s seriously shady. Attempted non-consensual conversation,” Stiles accused.

“I know! I tried to tell her that, but…” Derek protested.

“Erica?”

“Erica.” Derek sighed.

“Well, the spell is gone. Can we just pretend it didn’t happen and never speak of it again?”

“Sure. But, about what you said…”

“What part of ‘never speak of it again’ was hard to understand?”

Derek just stared at him.

“Fine, what? I promise I won’t hit on you again, you don’t have to worry. I didn’t mean to in the first place.”

“Oh. Okay then.” Derek walked towards the window, then turned back. “Just… Erica said that you told her you didn’t want to sleep with her?”

“So? Why is that surprising?”

“You said you wanted to sleep with me, so I figured…”

“You figured I’d say it to everyone else, too? That I want to sleep with everyone indiscriminately?”

“Yes?” And then, catching himself - “No! No, I just didn’t think you meant anything by what you said to me. That it wasn’t really about me in particular. That it was just a sex thing.”

For a very brief moment, Stiles almost missed the truth spell. Or wished Derek had one, too. Because this conversation was just getting painful. Oh, what the hell. At least now he could control how much sexual content was escaping along with his confessions.

But he still couldn’t quite manage to face Derek, hiding his head in his cushions (and he was doing that a lot lately), when he said: “It was about you in particular. And it wasn’t just a sex thing. Happy now?”

“Uh, actually, yeah.” Derek sat down at the foot of the bed, so that Stiles could feel the dip near his feet but Derek wasn’t actually in his space.

“But you literally ran away and threw yourself out the window!” Stiles said, incredulously.

“You were coming on kind of strong. And you seemed sort of insane.”

“That is true.” Stiles sat up in the bed and moved closer to where Derek was sitting. He still looked tense, maybe not like he was ready to bolt but like he was deeply, deeply uncertain. “Tell me something else that’s true. Call it payback for your attempted truth-stealing tonight.”

“I… like you? No, let me try that again: I like you. And I haven’t dated anyone I liked in a long time, so… I’m probably not very good at it.”

“Think of it this way: it can only get better after a beginning like this,” Stiles said, as he leaned over to kiss Derek. After the insanity and abruptness of their conversations over the last couple of days, the kiss was tentative, slow and gentle. It was nice. Derek brought his hand up to Stiles’ neck, holding and steadying him as they deepened the kiss. 

Eventually Derek leaned over him, pushing him back against the bed so they could make out lying down. It was almost non-sexual - Derek was fully clothed and Stiles was wearing a shirt and boxers, no hands were wandering. As much as Stiles had fantasized about rough, crazy sex, this made more sense for a virgin and someone with such a fucked up past. 

Stiles was just contemplating how to ask Derek if he wanted to sleep over, because that would be pretty nice, when his bedroom door flew open to show his father aiming a gun at the bed. 

Derek flew off the bed with truly amazing grace and held up his hands.

“Uh… I guess there’s one other thing I could have mentioned?” Stiles said.


End file.
